The Way It Should Have Been
by Sumiko Kenchi Haimoto
Summary: What if Misato left Nerv when Angels never returned and Third Impact never occurred? What if she managed to find happiness? Love, even? And what if it was all a dream? Revised Chapter One and Two up. And the long awaited Chapter Three is up!
1. Waking Up

Author's Note: I've reposted Chapters One and Two. There are no major changes, barely any changes at all, in fact. Just some editing and stuff mainly. Also, I fixed a few mistakes in series continuity and some sentences that didn't make much sense grammatically. The main issue was the fact that for some reason I had written that Second Impact never happened, when what I really meant was that the appearance of angels 3-17 (and thus Third Impact) never happened. Obviously, Second Impact would HAVE to have happened if there was going to be any Nerv at all. Other than that, most of the other changes are purely technical. 

PS: I never ever remember to write a disclaimer when I post these things, but I think everyone knows by now that I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of the characters that spring from the show. Duh, right?

The Way It Should Have Been 

Chapter One: Waking Up

She woke up slowly, savoring the sensation of the sun filtering in through the window and dancing on her bare back, reveling in the comfort she felt upon hearing his soft breathing beside her, letting herself, for a brief moment, forget that anything else existed but the two of them. In those first few moments when her mind cleared away the dreams and she became conscious of her surroundings, just before she opened her eyes, her memories abandoned her, lagging in their attempt to catch up with her journey between sleep and consciousness. For a single instant she was not haunted by memories, she forgot who she was and felt completely at peace with the world. These moments were far too brief and elusive, but she treasured them almost as much as she treasured him.

Finally, she opened her eyes, adjusted to the bright light of the morning sun pouring in through open curtains, and looked down on his sleeping form. His bare, slim, muscular chest moved up and down slowly as he breathed. His lips were parted a little, and dark eyelashes fanned out over his soft cheeks. She lifted a hand and gently brushed his dark hair out of his face and smiled lovingly. She loved him so much she didn't know what she would do without him. Unfortunately, she couldn't stay in bed staring at him all day. With a sigh, she slid out of bed, not caring in the slightest that she was naked and the curtains were open. Silently, she slid a pair of jeans over her slim hips, and pulled a tank-top over her head, which barely covered her full breasts. She glanced in the full-length mirror on the closet door as she left the bedroom and headed to the kitchen. She was proud of her figure, and why not? It was part of the reason, though she was fairly confident not the _only_ reason, that he loved her.

Being as quiet as she could manage, she dug a frying pan out of the cabinet, and then retrieved the last four eggs from the refrigerator. She'd have to remember to go grocery shopping some time that day. Cracking the eggshells on the edge of the frying pan as it heated over the stove, she began the process of frying the eggs for breakfast. To think, a few years ago she couldn't even boil water. Everything she ate came out of the grocery store frozen meals section, or arrived at her door in bags out of the hands of take-out delivery boys. Now she was standing here making him breakfast, and enjoying every minute of it. Fifteen minutes later, there were two plates waiting on the little table in the kitchen, with fried eggs, biscuits, and apple slices. The coffeemaker was almost done percolating, and there was a jug of orange juice waiting on the table beside the plates.

As if on cue, he walked out of the bedroom wearing boxers and a t-shirt. His dark hair was ruffled and fell in his face, his dark eyes were alittle unfocused, still half-asleep, and he shuffled up to the table mindlessly. "Good morning," she greeted happily.

He gave her a weary smile and sat down at the table. "Morning," he muttered.

"You better wake up, you Lazy Bum," she said with a laugh. "You have a class in an hour."

He moaned and resisted the urge to drop his face in his plate. "Don't remind me," he muttered.

She laughed again and came up behind him, leaned down, and kissed him lightly on the neck. A shiver ran through him, and he sighed. "Well, that's one way of waking me up." He turned around and kissed her on the lips. "Unfortunately, if you keep that up, I'll never go to class, and that would be bad." She chuckled and sat down across from him at the table.

"Eat," she told him firmly. Smiling, he did as he was told.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" he asked her after a while.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Took the day off. I thought I deserved a break."

"Right you are…"

Half an hour later, he was dressed and had his messenger bag full of books slung over one shoulder and resting against his hip. "Good luck in organic chem.," she said as he headed for the door.

"Thanks, I'm gonna need it," he sighed. "God, I hate that class."

"Hey, don't complain to me. You're the one who wants to be a doctor."

He smiled and shrugged. "I'm a masochist."

"This we know."

He sighed. "I better get going," he said.

"I'll be here when you get home, hopefully with dinner on the table already," she told him.

"That'd be great," he smiled. "I'll see you this evening then." He walked to the door and opened it. "Bye, Misato," he said as he walked out.

Just as he closed the door behind him, Misato called out: "Have a nice day, Shinji!"

For almost an hour and half she did nothing but sit on their cream-colored sofa with her feet perched on the coffee table, watching the news and drinking her coffee slowly. But she had things to do that day, and she needed to get to it. So Misato sighed and walked into the bedroom to change into more appropriate clothes for going out in public, and re-emerged fifteen minutes later where her jeans, a black cotton turtle-neck, and her red leather jacket. It was supposed to be cold that day, and she didn't want to risk getting a cold. She was always a complete invalid when she got even slightly sick, and she hated it. Finally dressed appropriately, she grabbed her keys and her little black purse from the coffee table, and left the apartment.

Her first stop was the bookstore, where she bought a gift certificate for Ritsuko's birthday, and ended up buying a manga and a magazine full of wedding dresses. She hadn't mentioned her thoughts to Shinji for fear she'd freak him out, but she was beginning to seriously think about marriage, and she often wondered if even an inkling of the idea had entered his thoughts yet. With a mental shrug, and a promise to herself that she would talk to him about it… sooner or later… she left the book store and headed to the bank to deposit her last paycheck. By the time she got through the long line in front of the teller's window and finished her transaction, it was almost one o'clock and she was getting hungry. So she stopped at a little café not far from the grocery store, which was where she would be heading after lunch.

The café was one of her favorite places in the entire city, and she came here atleast once a week for lunch, whether she was working that day or not. She slid into her customary booth, the one in the back corner where no one would disturb her, right next to a large window that allowed the bright sunlight to pour onto her face and hands as she ate. A waitress came over and she ordered a chicken salad and a soda. Then she pulled the wedding magazine out of the bookstore bag she had carried in with her, and opened it up to the section covered in beautiful wedding dresses. She loved to look at all the dresses, as much as any little girl first dreaming of her fantastic, fairy-tale wedding and her perfect knight in shining armor. She knew such things didn't really exist, unlike when she was ten years old, but that fact didn't really detract from her pleasure. At the age of thirty-three she had never been married, though she had come pretty close once, and she enjoyed dreaming about it even now.

As she flipped through the pages of the magazine, the waitress arrived with her salad and her soda, and placed them in front of her with a friendly smile and an "oh, that one's gorgeous!" as Misato stared at a particularly elegant wedding gown.

"Yes, it is," Misato answered as she placed the magazine on the table and picked up a fork to eat her salad.

The waitress had walked off again when a new voice, a male voice, asked: "You're getting married?" Misato jumped clear out of her skin at the familiar sound of that voice and looked up to find a handsome, if somewhat scruffy, man with long dark hair tied back from his face, standing over her. "Hello, Misato," he greeted with a smile, obviously amused by her shock. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Kaji?" she gasped, "is that really you?"

The man nodded and sat down across from her as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Yep, it's me alright. Surprised you, huh? Sure has been a long time, hasn't it? What… Three years?"

"Three years, nine months," she answered automatically, without even thinking about it. Then she blinked. She thought she'd stopped counting ages ago. She hadn't seen Kaji since the day she left Nerv. He had cut off all contact with her from that day forward. And she had been over it for a long time now. So then why was her heart pounding so loudly in her ears? And why was her stomach quickly twisting itself into tight knots?

He nodded slowly. "So it has been…" He glanced down at the magazine on the table and then looked back up at her. "So… You getting married?" he asked again. She could tell he was trying to sound nonchalant about it, and she thought he did a pretty good job of it too, but she had known him too long. The thought of her getting married, to anyone, unnerved him.

"No. Atleast, not right now… I mean… That is to say…" she stuttered. She sighed and took a deep breath, looked him directly in the eye and smiled ruefully. "What I'm trying to say is that I think I'd like to marry the guy I'm seeing right now, but the subject hasn't come up yet, and I haven't had the nerve to mention the idea to him."

Kaji nodded as if he understood, but she could see in his eyes that he felt uncomfortable knowing all this. "So… um… Who's the lucky guy?" he asked.

She paused, unsure if she should tell him or not, unsure of whether he would recognize the name or not. Eh, what the hell do I care, she thought finally. Then she said, "his name is Shinji."

Kaji nodded, and there was no recognition in his expression, but then he froze and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Shinji…" he muttered. "Hey, wasn't Gendo's kid called Shinji? Yeah. Gendo brought him in once and introduced him to all of us, about six months before you left. What a coinci—" The rest of the word never came out of his mouth. He looked up at Misato, and she knew she had failed to hide the nervousness and small trace of guilt from her face. "God, Misato… You can't be… He can't be… You've gotta be kidding me!" Kaji exclaimed.

Misato sat there and quietly watched Kaji's expressions of shock and disgust flit across his face. She waited for him to calm down, and stared down at her hands, having long forgotten the salad on the table in front of her.

"You're dating Gendo Ikari's kid?" Kaji hissed, leaning forward over the table to stare at her with fierce intensity. "How old is he now?" he asked.

"Um… nineteen…" she answered nervously, still staring at her hands clutched in her lap.

"You're almost old enough to be his mother, Misato. Are you insane?" Kaji said sharply.

Misato bristled at the comment and her mind flared into anger as her eyes flew up to glare at him. "Yes, Kaji. I'm insane. I'm a fucking, raging lunatic! I'm living with a handsome, intelligent young man who finds me attractive and fascinating, and I'm enjoying every minute of it! I must be completely nuts!" she shouted, half-rising out her seat and leaning forward to yell in his face, her hands braced on the table.

"You're living with him!" Kaji gasped, his voice squeaking alittle on the words.

"Yes. He moved in with me three months ago. What's it to you?" she hissed.

Kaji placed his hands over hers and his expression softened as he said: "Misato. Sit down. You're making a scene." Reluctantly, she did as she was told. "I'm sorry I upset you," he said after a moment. "It's just… It's quite a shock to hear an old lover is dating some one fifteen years younger than her. It's a lot to absorb. Especially when he's an old boss's son, you know?"

"I know," she whispered softly. "Don't you think it's weird for me? Don't you think I feel like a cradle-robber sometimes? Don't you think I feel guilty, like maybe I unconsciously seduced him because I'm so much more experienced and he's so much younger and he doesn't understand about these things yet? Don't you think this stuff worries me, Kaji?" Misato shook her head and stared out past him, out the window and onto the street outside. "But… he makes me happy, Kaji. And I think I make him happy. Is that really so wrong?"

Kaji sighed and shook his head. "No, I guess not."

After a silent moment, Misato stood up. "I have to get going. I have some more errands to run before Shinji gets back from class."

"Class?"

"Yeah. He's attending Tokyo University. He wants to be a doctor." Misato gathered her purse and placed some money on the table for her meal. Then she picked up the bookstore bag and slid the magazine back into it. "See you around, Kaji," she said with a nod. And she walked out.

After her trip to the grocery store, Misato headed back home to the apartment. On the way there she saw a florist's shop in a shopping center strip, and could not seem to help herself. She pulled into the strip mall and slid carefully into a parking space. Momentarily, the run-in with Kaji was forgotten. She whistled happily as she walked into the shop, smiled at the bell that ran over her head, and drank in the sight of the flowers. She came out with a large flower arrangement. The bright blue vase was filled with orange, red, and yellow dahlias, violet irises, and perfect white roses. It was a beautiful arrangement, and it didn't matter in the slightest that it had cost her almost fifty bucks. Feeling content, she finally drove to the apartment. It took alittle juggling to get her six grocery bags, her bookstore bag, her purse, and the vase bursting with flowers out of the car and into the elevator, but she did manage it.

After putting the groceries away and placing the flowers cheerfully on the coffee table, Misato collapsed onto the sofa and closed her eyes with a sigh. She suddenly, felt very tired, and now that the initial contentment of a day well spent and beautiful flowers happily bought had dissipated, she was remembering the encounter with Kaji. She didn't really want to think about it, it would only make her depressed, make her worried, make her remember other things, but she didn't seem able to banish the meeting from her thoughts now. She sighed and draped on arm over her eyes. Kaji had looked good. His hair was still long, which she had always found attractive, and he was still a bit scruffy and unshaven, which she had always found rather charming despite her insistence that it made him look like a homeless ruffian. His eyes were bright and animated, his smile quirky and boyishly handsome. Yep, he definitely looked good.

And it had been so painful to see him. Suddenly, she was remembering things she didn't want to remember. Years of working for Nerv, ruining her health, her social life, her love life, and her soul for that secret society of ghouls and dead men and dark, silent women and machines that seemed more alive than the people did. When her father died in the Second Impact, she had nothing to live for but the goal of keeping it from happening again, and she had geared her entire life to that purpose. And the only thing she had outside of this all-consuming purpose was Kaji. He was childish and immature and commitment-phobic, but he also full of life, full of color, full of care-free fun and boundless freedom. Once, Misato thought she would marry this man, and spend the rest of her life basking in the glow that he gave off.

Then she realized that the Angels weren't coming back, that a Third Impact was never going to happen, and that she was slowly killing herself while she waited for disaster in that underground mausoleum. And she knew she wanted to leave, needed to leave, for her sanity, for her chance at a real life, for what was left of her jaded, broken soul. And when she told Kaji, he refused to go with her. The care-free, nonchalant, rebellious man she had counted on to understand why she needed to escape, was even more tied to this life than she was. Abandoned, betrayed, heart-broken, she left, and he never once tried to stop her, or come after her, or contact her.

Misato suppressed a sob and clenched her eyes shut tighter. And before she even knew what was happening, she had fallen asleep.

"Misato…" came a soft voice an eternity later. "Misato, wake up…" Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled happily when she found Shinji's slender, handsome face looking down at her. "Good evening, Sleepy Head," he said with a smile.

She stretched like a contented cat on the sofa, and yawned as she said: "Hey there. What time is it?"

"Almost five o'clock. I thought you said you were gonna have dinner on the table by the time I got home," he said, but he was smiling and Misato knew he didn't really care. He liked to cook more than she did anyway.

She sighed though, as if it was the worst thing in the world, and said: "I know. I'm sorry." She lifted the sad eyes of a martyr to Shinji's face, fighting back the smile that was trying to stretch along her lips, and added, "I'll get started right away."

Shinji laughed. It was a beautiful sound. "Don't bother," he said, and he kissed her lightly on the nose. "I'll make something. You went shopping, right?" he asked as he turned away and headed into the kitchen.

"Yeah, the fridge and pantry are full again."

"Good, what do you want?"

Misato stretched again and stood up. "I don't care. You pick," she answered. She followed him into the kitchen and saw her wedding magazine peaking out from beneath her purse. Surreptitiously, she slid it off the counter and held it in one arm with the back of the magazine facing Shinji.

"What's that?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Just a magazine," she told him, and she turned around, walked into the bedroom, and shoved it into her underwear drawer. She sighed as she hid it, and was reminded again of Kaji. Getting married, he'd asked her. She wished. When she emerged from the bedroom and walked back into the kitchen, Shinji was digging around in the refrigerator in the vegetable drawer. Silently, she watched him pull out a green bell pepper, an onion, and a few carrots.

"Stir fry sound alright?" he asked without looking at her.

"Uh-huh." She continued watching him as he started slicing thin strips of beef and placing them on a sizzling frying pan. She was amazingly distracted… by two completely different things. The shock of seeing Kaji again and being reminded of her un-life with Nerv, and her growing fantasy of marrying Shinji Ikari.

"You alright?" she heard Shinji asked suddenly, his voice full of concern. She blinked and looked up at him, realizing that he must of asked her something without her hearing it.

"Huh?" she asked intelligently.

"You seem really distracted… and alittle upset. Are you alright? Is something wrong?" he asked.

She took a deep breath and tried to think of something to say. But when she opened her mouth and spoke, what came out was not what she had planned. "I saw Kaji today." It came out blunt, almost cold, and yet somehow terrified.

Shinji froze. His hand was still halfway through slicing the bell pepper, but his eyes were fixed on her. He swallowed. "Really…" She nodded but couldn't manage to elaborate yet. "And… uh… how is he?" he asked. Misato noted he sounded nervous, unsettled. She'd told him alittle about Kaji, at his insistence, not long after they'd first started dating. He knew how in love she had once been with the man. She couldn't really blame him for sounding unsettled.

"He was… uh… fine," she said slowly.

Shinji nodded. "When did you see him?"

"He just kinda showed up when I was having lunch at the café."

"And…"

Misato swallowed hard and shrugged. Shinji looked downright terrified. "And nothing…" she said at last. "It was just… alittle unsettling, I guess… It made me remember things I didn't really want to think about," she told him.

Shinji nodded and turned stiffly back to his bell pepper. Misato smiled softly. He was trying so hard not to panic, not to jump to conclusions or accuse, not to be jealous. Silently, she stepped up next to him and fitted her body against his side. He froze again, then relaxed as she kissed his neck. A slow smile spread across his face, and he turned to face her completely, dropping his knife on the counter and wrapping his arms around her waist.

"I love you," Misato whispered. "You know that, right?"

"I love you too," Shinji whispered back. Misato felt comfortable and happy in his arms, she felt right here, and besides, Kaji had never been able to say those words as easily or honestly as Shinji did. Shinji's lips descended to hers, brushing against them with feather-light touches, caressing them gently, coaxing them open with an expertise he had not had before he had started dating her. Misato felt a strange surge of pride at the thought that she had been the one to make him a man, but then all thought fled from her mind as his tongue stroked hers passionately, and his warm, gentle hand, snaked under her shirt to massage her breast.

"Hmm… Shinji…" she murmured in her rising passion.

And then Misato bolted upright on her pallet, flung the sheets off her heated, sweating body, and leapt from the pallet to stand near her door, all before she even fully comprehended that she had been dreaming and she was now awake. She looked around her frantically, her eyes darting back and forth, gasping for breath as panic rushed through her. The room was dark and empty except for her and her sparse belongings. She was in her apartment, the one that her Major's salary and her employment with Nerv paid for. The one she shared with fourteen-year-old Shinji Ikari – her boss's son, the Third Child – and Asuka Langley Soryu – the fiery red-head, the Second Child. Everything was the way it was supposed to be. But then why could she still feel his lips caressing hers in a gentle kiss? Why could she still feel the electric thrill of his warm hands cupping her breast possessively? And why did she miss his touch now that it was gone; why did her ears yearn for the sound of his voice whispering her name; why did her skin long for the sensation of his breath on her face?

"Oh God," she gasped, still panting frantically. "What the fuck…"


	2. This Is Insane

**Author's Note:** Again, this is a reposting, mostly so I could edit the grammatical and continuity problems. For one, I realized after re-watching the show last week that Misato sleeps on a pallet, not a bed. So I fixed that. Anyway, enjoy.

And again… No, I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. Unfortunately. I wish I could claim the pure insanity and beauty that is NGE. But sadly, I cannot.

**The Way It Should Have Been**

Chapter Two: This Is Insane

The morning couldn't come quickly enough for Misato. After her dream, she had been unable to lay down again and close her eyes. The one time she tried, she found the slender, matured, handsome face of the nineteen-year-old Shinji smiling at her from behind her eyelids. Immediately, her eyes flew open and she once again leapt from the pallet. That was when she retreated into the kitchen and grabbed a can of beer from the refrigerator that Pen Pen did not inhabit. She straddled the nearest chair, which was facing outward from the kitchen table, and draped her arms over the back of it as she carelessly opened the can and let it foam and spill over her fingers.

"To my screwed up life and my even more screwed up dreams," Misato murmured to herself, and then she lifted the beer to her lips and chugged it in her usual fashion. In a flash, the beer can was empty. She slammed it onto the table with more force than she had really intended, and froze, afraid she might have jolted either Shinji or Asuka from their sleep. But when, after several minutes, they did not emerge from their bedrooms, she sighed in relief and retrieved another beer from the fridge. She shook her head at herself as she piled several cold Kirins and Sapporos in her arms and dumped them on the table and she closed the fridge with her foot. Beer was her refuge, her first answer to everything confusing or difficult that appeared in her life. She knew and she hated it, but she never fought it. She simply didn't have the energy to try anymore, and she had long since given up caring. Still, she knew how pathetic it was that there was almost nothing but beer in the refrigerator. Yeah, it was really very sad.

Knowing that did not, however, stop her from popping another can open and downing it in fifteen seconds. With a satisfied sigh, she dropped her head onto the back of the chair, her arms over it in front of her. Even as she felt her eyes grow heavy and her weariness weaken all her muscles, she fought the desire to go to sleep. She did not want to dream again. Instead, she grabbed yet another beer and drank it more slowly than the first two. When dawn came, several long hours later, she was past drunk. She was brain-dead. Twenty-some-odd cans of beer were stacked on the table or scattered on the floor around her. She was draped like a rag over the chair. Her hair lay limp around her face, covering her blood-shot, shadowed, sleepless eyes and the sallow tone of her face.

She did not react at all when Shinji emerged from his room and gasped to find her immobile in the kitchen. "Misato?" he called to her nervously. She heard him, but she couldn't seem to move at all, not even to lift her head and look at him. Shinji came up beside her and surveyed the evidence around her. "Not again…" he muttered sadly. He grabbed a plastic bag from a cabinet and slowly, meticulously placed all the empty Kirin and Sapporo cans inside it. When he was done, he tied up the bag and dropped it near the door so that he'd remember to take it to a recycling bin later.

Then he turned to Misato again. "Thanks…" she muttered in a thick, tired voice.

"No problem," he replied. He took one look at her, seemed to notice that she wasn't leaving her head draped painfully over the back of the chair completely by choice, and sighed. Carefully, he grasped her shoulders and pulled her back into a semi-sitting position. "You're really wasted, you know that?" he said as he struggled to get her into a good position.

"You think?" Misato replied, voice dripping with sharp sarcasm.

Shinji sighed and shook his head. "Come on, Misato, let's get you into bed," he said as he tried to pull her to her feet.

"No… I have work…" Misato muttered. "I need to—to change clothes. And… and get to work…"

"I don't think so."

"B-but… Ritsuko's expecting me."

"I think she'll understand you taking one day off. You've obviously been here most of the night…"

"Only since two this morning," Misato said as she stumbled toward her room with Shinji's shoulder under her arm.

"Like I said…" Shinji muttered. "I'll call Dr. Akagi, or anyone you want me to, and tell them you're sick."

Misato snickered, then winced. "That wouldn't even be a lie right now," she moaned.

"See? Now go to bed."

Misato tumbled onto her pallet, and Shinji carefully pulled a sheet up to her chin. Her cheeks flushed and he shook his head at her. He probably thought she was embarrassed that the fourteen-year-old was tucking her in like a child – which was true enough – but there were other, more powerfully embarrassing thoughts in her head at that moment. Like the last moments of her dream, and the beginning, when she had awoken with him by her side. Frustrated, she moaned and shook her head. Shinji took it for an indication that she had a headache, and ran off to get a painkiller or something. When he returned, Misato saw that he not only had a couple pills and a glass of water in his hand, but also a cool towel to put over her head.

"There. Now I need to get ready for school. You get some sleep," he told her firmly. A shadow of a smile flitted across Misato's features, though he did not catch it because he was turning toward the door. He sounded a lot less timid and wishy-washy than usual, she thought. More confident, more in control, like she was the child and he was the adult. He sounded a little like the Shinji in her dreams.

"Thanks… Shinji…" she mumbled as he walked out the door. He didn't reply, just closed her bedroom door behind him.

For a long while she simply lay there, listening to the apartment wake up around her. She heard the running water as first Shinji, and then a very grumpy, whiny Asuka took quick showers and returned to their rooms to dress into their uniforms. They both emerged again to eat a fast breakfast – probably left over pizza in Asuka's case and if she knew Shinji at all, he was going to stuff a single piece of toast in his mouth, swallow down a cup of hot tea, and call it that. Misato cringed, her headache exploding, as Asuka began her latest tirade. It started as an obnoxious rant about Shinji's annoying habits – the constant apologies, the whiny voice, his obsession with his estranged father – all of which were valid points, Misato had to admit, but which seemed so cruel and unfeeling coming from Asuka's lips. Somehow, however, the subject switched to Misato's inability to competently provide for them.

"And where is she, anyway?" Asuka asked suddenly. "Normally she's out here downing several dozen cups of coffee to drown her hangover before she goes down to the geofront."

Misato waited for Shinji to tell Asuka that her hangover had gone way beyond the stage during which coffee would do any good, and she wasn't going to work. But it never came. Instead Shinji said, "I don't know where she is. She must have gone in early. She was already gone when I woke up." Misato felt herself smile at Shinji's kind attempt to help her save face. Then she winced again and closed her eyes. A few minutes later she heard both her charges leaving for school. Not more than ten minutes after silence filled the apartment again, Misato was asleep.

She opened her eyes slowly, and sighed. She'd had another nightmare about her father. She could still see his face, haggard, blood dripping down his temple, into his eyes, from the corner of his mouth, as he shoved her into that escape pod and told her to live. She could not suppress the small sob that floated up from deep in her chest. Immediately, her lover's eyes flew open and he sat up to look down at her. Her hair was arrayed around her face, there were tears welling up in her eyes, and she looked extremely distressed.

"Misato?" he whispered softly. She blinked away her tears.

"Sorry I woke you," she whispered back. "I didn't mean to."

He smiled down on her softly. "It's alright. I don't mind. Bad dream?" he asked softly.

She nodded. "I had to watch my father die all over again. God, I wish the dreams would go away."

"I know. I'm sorry," he said tenderly. He leaned down and kissed her gently. "I don't have a morning class today. I'll make breakfast for you before you go to work, alright?" he said.

Misato gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Shinji."

"No problem." He climbed out of bed and pulled a shirt on over his bare chest, and a pair of faded jeans over his blue boxers. Then he disappeared out of the room to make breakfast. Misato glanced at the alarm clock on the bedside table near her head and sighed as she squinted through the dark room at the glowing green numbers. It was six thirty in the morning. She was due at work in an hour. With a sigh, she forced herself out of bed, kicking her blanket off angrily, and practically rolling off the mattress. She half-heartedly dug through the closet she and Shinji shared and pulled out a navy blue pant suit, that she quickly threw on. While she quickly combed her hair and put on her make-up, the smell of pancakes wafted into the bathroom. By the time she emerged from the bedroom, Shinji was placing two plates full of pancakes on the table.

"Breakfast is served," Shinji said with a smile.

She smiled back at him and sat down, happily digging into the pancakes in front of her. She took her time eating, talking to Shinji about his classes, and good-naturedly complaining about having to go into work.

Despite her complaints, however, she made good time getting to work and was even whistling as she unlocked the employee entrance to the small computer store she was the manager of. Except for those rare days when she didn't go into work, she was always the first one to the store. She'd unlock the employee entrance, get everything turned on, check the computers on the display floor, and then walk into her little backroom office to start going through the day's paperwork. Half an hour later Michiri would walk in through the side door with a song on her lips, just like today. She waved to Misato as she walked past the office, stashed her coat and purse in the small lounge area the employees had, and then unlocked the main customer entrance doors. A few minutes later, at exactly 8:06 every morning, Yamazaki walked in. Misato could set her watch by the man. These two employees would man the store until lunchtime, at which point Michiri would leave for college classes, and three more employees would come in to take care of the larger customer flow that always appeared during and after lunch.

That day, Misato was meeting Ritsuko for lunch. When noon rolled around, Misato grabbed her purse, locked her office door behind her, told Yamazaki she'd be back in an hour at the most, and left to meet Ritsuko. She arrived at the Italian restaurant Ritsuko had selected about five minutes before her friend did, and then they were seated and their orders were taken. Misato watched Ritsuko as the woman ordered her lasagna carefully. She was growing her bleached blonde hair out, Misato thought, though maybe it just looked longer because she hadn't seen the woman in a few months. It was somewhat disconcerting to see Ritsuko without her white lab coat, the one she wore over every skirt and shirt she owned. But today it wasn't there. Ritsuko was wearing black slacks and a bright red blouse with beading along the collar. She looked nice. She also looked nervous, Misato noted suddenly. And that was strange, because almost nothing bothered Rituko.

"Happy Birthday, Ritsuko," Misato said when the waiter had left to place their order in the kitchens. She handed Ritsuko a large envelope. Ritsuko smiled and opened it, to find a card and a bookstore gift certificate inside. The card was sweet, and the gift certificate was for fifty dollars.

"Thanks, Misato," Ritsuko said with a smile, and Misato got the impression that she actually meant it.

Misato shrugged. "I wasn't sure what to get you, so I copped out and got you a gift certificate. I would have preferred actually buying you something. But I seriously couldn't think of anything."

"This is great, Misato, really. There're a couple of scientific notebooks that just got published, and I was being too stingy to buy them. This is the perfect excuse to finally get them."

Misato laughed and shook her head. "Scientific notebooks… Man, you're crazy."

Ritsuko said, "no crazier than you."

The conversation turned to small talk for a long while, and Misato noticed that Ritsuko was still acting nervous, like she wanted to say something but wasn't sure she should. Misato was of half a mind to just ask her what the hell was wrong, when Ritsuko answered her question without it needing to be asked. "I saw Kaji yesterday," she said.

Misato gave her a confused expression. "What you mean you 'saw' Kaji? Of course you saw him. You work with him. You see him all day, every day."

Ritsuko blinked at her. "He didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"I haven't seen Kaji in a month – until yesterday, of course."

Misato was now even more confused. "What? Why not? Was he gone somewhere? Some mission or somewhere?"

Ritsuko shook her head. "No. He left Nerv a month ago."

"What!" Misato couldn't help it, she surged completely out of her chair before she could stop herself. Half the restaurant turned as one to stare at her, wide-eyed, startled, and angry at being disturbed. She coughed lightly, embarrassed, murmured an apology, and sat back down.

"You can't be serious," she said to Ritsuko.

"I'm completely serious. I'd thought he'd told you."

The waiter appeared with their food, and their conversation halted long enough for the dishes to be placed in front of them. They took a few moments to try their entrees, and then Misato sighed and looked down at her hands. "Almost four years I hadn't seen, talked to, or heard from him at all. Then he pops up out of nowhere three days ago. I should have known something had happened. Why did he leave?"

"Essentially the same reasons you did I would assume. We never really discussed his decision. He just told me he was planning on leaving, and two days later he had his resignation on Gendo's desk," Ritsuko told her. "Look, you can discuss that with him all you like. That's not what I wanted to talk about. He told me about you and Shinji Ikari."

Misato's eyes flew open wide and fixed on Ritsuko's face. She couldn't decide if she was furious that Ritsuko wanted to have this discussion as if she were an errant child, or relieved that she would finally have another woman to talk to about it. "Really…?"

"Yes. Really. Why didn't you tell me about it, Misato? We've been talking on the phone every couple weeks, e-mailing eachother, but you couldn't find the time to tell me you were dating my boss's nineteen year old son?"

Misato flinched when Ritsuko mentioned his age. "I just… It just didn't occur to me that you'd care. And, well, I was afraid Gendo might read over your shoulder or check all incoming emails or something and find out. And that would be bad."

"Yes, I imagine it would be," Ritsuko said dryly. "How long have you been seeing him?" she asked.

"We started talking about a year after I left Nerv. We started dating right after he turned eighteen."

"So, a little over a year then?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Are you actually living with him?"

Anger flared in Misato. Not this again. He was an adult now. It was perfect legal. Why did these people care what the two of them did, anyway? "Yes. Why do you care?"

"Don't get all defensive on me, Misato," Ritsuko said blandly. "I'm just trying to understand this. "How long have you two… been living together?"

Misato smirked, half-amused, half-appalled by Ritsuko. "In other words, how long have I been sleeping him, right? He moved in two months ago, at the start of the fall semester. We started sleeping together about a month before that. Why? You want to hear about our first time, huh, Ritsuko?" she asked suddenly in a bitter, angry voice.

"Misato…"

"Want me to tell you? It was all very romantic. Who knew Gendo Ikari's estranged, apathetic son could ever be romantic, but he grew out of his apathy, and he learned how. He cooked dinner… There were candles everywhere. All over the house. His teacher, the one he got left with, she was gone for the weekend. We had the place to ourselves. You want to hear more? Huh? Gonna relay all of this to Kaji, aren't you? Well, aren't you?"

Ritsuko flinched at that last question. She sighed. And then she said something Misato had not expected. "He's still in love with you."

Misato blinked. "Kaji?" Ritsuko nodded. Misato felt all the air leave her lungs, she felt her heart spin in violent circles, felt her stomach twist in a billion knots. How many times had she dreamed to hear those words? How many times during those long lonely months after she left Nerv did she dream, and hope, and pray that he would come for her, tell her he loved her still, beg her to forgive him for not coming with her in the first place? "God…" she whispered.

"He wanted me to talk to you, see if there was any hope that you might take him back. I told him I'd help if I could. You two were always so good together in college. And then when he came back to Nerv HQ after spending all that time in Germany… I thought things would finally work out, and the two of you would stop squabbling and pushing eachother away, and get married and settle down… and all that. But it never happened, and that always made me sad," Ritsuko said softly.

"Ritsu…" Misato whispered, shocked. It was very unlike her friend to be open like that. Hell, she was being downright emotional, atleast compared to her normal behavior. And everything she said was true. Kaji and she had been good together. And Misato had always thought things would work out the way Ritsuko did. It broke her heart that it hadn't, even though she was the one who ran away. But now…

"He seemed to be very afraid that you were too in love with Shinji Ikari for it to matter though," Ritsuko added.

Misato froze. Shinji. Good God, she'd nearly forgotten about Shinji. She loved Shinji now. Whole-heartedly. What did she care how Kaji might still feel about her? Shinji loved her and she loved Shinji. Period. She took a deep breath and shook her head.

"He's right," she told Ritsuko. "I love Shinji now." With that she stood up, grabbing her purse from the chair beside her as she did. "I've got to go," she said softly, not even bothering to acknowledge her still half-full plate of chicken alfredo, and dug out two twenty dollar bills to put on the table. "Happy Birthday, Ritsu," she said. And she left before Ritsuko had a chance to object.

Misato breathed in deep and let it out slowly. That had been very close. For a moment, she had come very close to letting the old her take over the new her. She had come very close to letting the memory of a love that no longer was destroy the reality of a love that was real and strong. Shaking her head to clear it of the confusion and anger and shock that seemed to be rotting her brain away, she muttered: "I need a drink." Then she forced herself to drive back to work rather than go home like she really wanted to.

The rest of the afternoon went by fairly quickly. She pushed all thought of Kaji out of her brain and focused on her job. Despite the effort to not think about Kaji, however, her conversation with Ristuko had put her in a foul mood. Yamazaki seemed to sense it, though she was trying her best to hide it, and spent most of the afternoon shielding her from any problems the customers or other employees might have. She was almost annoyed at being so cavalierly "handled," as if he was afraid she had no control over her temper, but mostly she was just grateful for the reprieve.

She had nearly worked herself back into a good mood when she received a blow to her frustrated nerves. Kaji walked in the door just as she was getting ready to leave. It was five o'clock, and she wasn't required to close because Yamazaki took care of that part. She was looking forward to getting home and seeing Shinji and putting the entire day out of her mind. And then Kaji walked into the store, greeting her with a cheerful: "Hey there, Beautiful."

Yamazaki glanced at Kaji, and then at Misato, and raised an inquisitive eyebrow at her. He had met Shinji, and knew that this man who had suddenly appeared was not her boyfriend. Misato gave Yamazaki a pointed look that very loudly said: mind your own business, then replied to Kaji's cheerful greeting with a sour: "Kaji, what're you doing here?"

"I just came by to visit you," he told her.

"Well, I'm leaving. I'm off now, and I'm going home," she said.

Kaji took hold of her wrist, not in a threatening way so much as an intimate way, and asked softly, "Take a walk with me before you go?" She could hear it in the tone of his voice, the silent part that said: before you go to _him_.

She sighed, and was about to refuse when she looked up into his dark eyes and felt a pang in her heart. What harm would one little walk do, she asked herself. "Alright, Kaji. But it can't be a long walk, because I'll have to come back here to get my car before I can go home."

"Sure, sure, Babe," Kaji said carelessly as he dragged her out the front entrance of the store. They walked side by side down the sidewalk, past shops and restaurants, and for a few minutes they were completely silent. Kaji was still holding her wrist, which was distracting her more than she'd care to admit, but she couldn't think of a polite way to make him let go, so she endured it. Finally, she found her voice and fell into a light conversation about weather, which morphed into the topic of sports, and then shifted to Kaji's new job working for some electronics company.

"Essentially, I specialize in corporate espionage," he told her in a conspiratorial whisper.

Misato smirked. "I'm not surprised. It suits you."

For awhile after that they fell silent again. She couldn't think of anything to talk about that wouldn't lead to an argument or bring up memories she preferred to leave buried. She sighed and finally extracted her wrist from his grip, gently. Stuffing her hands in her pockets, she glanced up at the sky. They'd been walking for almost twenty minutes; it was quite a lot longer than she had intended. She was on the point of suggesting they turn around and head back to the store, when Kaji spoke up.

"How's Shinji?" he asked suddenly. Misato couldn't help but smile, caught between gratitude at his attempt to make conversation, and amused by his less than subtle reasons for asking such a question.

"He's fine. His classes keep him busy, of course. And he complains about them a lot – like we all do in college – but I think he's enjoying himself," Misato said.

"Good. A boy his age should enjoy school," Kaji said. Misato flinched and scowled at him. That was a hit below the belt. He smiled apologetically, though she didn't believe for a minute he was actually sorry, and added, "he wants to go into medicine, right?"

Misato nodded. "Yes. Possibly pediatrics."

Kaji nodded slowly and they fell silent for another minute as they walked down the street. "Oh look, speak of the devil," Kaji said suddenly, his voice filled with bitter amusement. He pointed toward a coffeehouse to their right. Misato turned and followed the direction of his finger, and sure enough, there was Shinji. He was sitting at one of the little outdoor tables along the side of the coffeehouse. Misato frowned then, for he was sitting with a young woman, a full-figured redhead wearing black pants that clung to her legs and a nice, yellow, lacy blouse.

"Oh… Who's the babe he's with?" Kaji said with a toothy grin. Misato elbowed him hard in the ribs, then walked towards Shinji and the woman while Kaji rubbed his injury and followed behind her. As she got closer, Misato saw a large cup of coffee in front of each, and a book laid out between them. But she also saw the way the red-head leaned forward over the table, inching closer to Shinji's face as he pointed out something in the book, and offering a fine view of her ample cleavage. Misato's mind flared with anger, but she managed to push it down and hide it behind a placid face as she walked up to the table. At that moment, Shinji happened to look up and see Misato's approach. He smiled happily and stood to greet her, which did much to calm the anger boiling in her stomach, but did not quite silence it.

"Misato!" he exclaimed happily as she stepped up to him. "What're you doing here?" he asked. Without giving her time to answer, Shinji leaned forward, cupped a hand against the back of her neck, and gave her a resounding kiss.

When he let go, Misato smiled lovingly, and answered: "Just going for walk before I headed home. What're you up to?" In her heart, she felt herself demanding to know what he was doing with another woman, but she knew it was ridiculous and she prided herself on the fact that her sudden jealousy was well hidden behind her eyes.

Shinji shrugged innocently: "studying, as usual." He started to turn back to the redhead when he froze and glared over Misato's shoulder. Misato glanced behind her to see that Kaji had caught up, and was standing behind her patiently. And she had to suppress a smile. Passive, reserved Shinji had just glared outright at Kaji, without any apparent desire to hide how he felt about seeing the man with his girlfriend. "Hello, Kaji," Shinji said, his voice just barely above icy. It seemed Misato wasn't the only one suffering from terminal insecurity and jealousy.

"Hey, Shinji, long time no see," Kaji replied amiably enough, but Misato thought she caught an undercurrent of something in his voice -- though what, she wasn't sure.

Instead of replying to Kaji, Shinji turned back to the girl who was watching this exchanged bemusedly from her position on the other side of the table, and said: "Sorry, Asuka. This is Misato Katsuragi, my girlfriend. Misato, this is Asuka Soryu. She's in my organic chemistry class, and I'm helping her out."

Misato held her hand out to Asuka, and said with a polite smile, "Nice to meet you, Asuka."

"Likewise," Asuka replied. Misato was quite aware that neither of them meant it.

Shinji then glanced at Kaji and began awkwardly, "and this is Kaji Ryoji, um…"

"A friend of Misato's," Kaji interjected, finishing Shinji's sentence and taking Asuka's hand enthusiastically.

"How nice to meet you," Asuka replied as she smiled at Kaji brightly.

"Won't you please join us?" Asuka asked a moment later, sounding for all the world like a gracious hostess inviting a pair of vagabonds into her mansion. Kaji's eyebrows flew up into his hairline, and Misato fought back a snicker, and even Shinji found her tone comical -- Misato could tell by the way his eyes lit up in his otherwise passive face.

"Of course," Misato said, and she pulled a chair close to Shinji's before sitting down. Kaji sat opposite her.

"I didn't realize you had a girlfriend, Shinji," Asuka said. "Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice was innocent, but Misato understood the glint in her eyes, even if Shinji did not.

"Must have slipped his mind," Kaji interrupted as Shinji opened his mouth to answer. Misato narrowed her eyes and debated who she wanted to glare at more: Kaji, for the sarcastic remark, Shinji, for letting it slip his mind, or this Asuka girl from saying something intended to insult her.

Shinji looked confused, and said innocently, "It just never came up. What does Asuka care if I have a girlfriend or not?" Misato couldn't help smiling at this. That was her Shinji, naïve and oblivious. Asuka didn't look amused, however. Her eyes flared for a moment and Misato could guess what Asuka was thinking. The redhead had heard a hidden meaning in Shinji's words -- a hidden meaning that said: 'What does she care? I wouldn't be interested in her whether I had a girlfriend or not.' Misato knew Shinji had meant no such thing. But Asuka was royally pissed by what she perceived as an insult. Misato's smile widened almost gleefully.

For a few minutes, Kaji managed to steer the conversation to smalltalk. How they were doing. How great the weather was. What Shinji and Asuka were doing in their organic chemistry class. But when he turned to amusing anecdotes about the people at his new job, Asuka turned to Misato with a barely hidden derisive smile, and asked: "So what do you do, Misato? You look too old to be a student. How old are you anyway?"

Misato glared at her and saw Shinji flinch just slightly.

"Asuka," Shinji said softly, his voice a cross between annoyance and a whine.

But Misato smiled at him and said to Asuka, "You're right. I am too old to be a student. I'm thirty-three."

"Thirty-three! You're almost fifteen years younger than her, Shinji!" Asuka gasped.

Shinji nodded. "I know."

"So what is it you do, Misato?" Asuka inquired.

"I'm the manager of a computer store."

Asuka sighed. "Sounds so mundane. I feel so sorry for you," she said, sounding sympathetic of a life Misato must find boring and unfulfilling, instead of what Misato knew she really was: condescending.

"It's a little mundane, yes," Misato replied with an appeasing smile, as if she was talking to a small child who just didn't understand about life. "But I find that I enjoy the quiet, simple life I have now. After the life I used to lead."

"Oh, that sounds mysterious," Asuka smiled, and Misato could tell on Kaji's face that even he caught the sarcasm this time.

"Ladies…" Kaji began worriedly.

Misato glanced at him and shrugged. This was getting ridiculous. "No. It wasn't that mysterious," she told the redhead, trying to end the conversation. "So, Shinji, how were your other classes today?" she asked.

"Well…" he began.

But Asuka interrupted him. "No, really. You have me very curious, Misato. What kind of career could you have had that was so stressful that you would actually enjoy something as boring as being the manager of a store?"

"It's not important," Misato said.

But at the same time, Shinji said in a voice bristling with annoyance and insult: "She worked for a secret government agency if you must know, Asuka. She was a highly important Major in command of some very important government experiments."

"Shinji…" Misato whispered.

Shinji did not stop however. "In fact, that's how I met her. She worked for my father."

"Really?" Asuka said, sounding skeptically.

Misato moaned and put her face in her hands. This was getting out of hand. Talking about her former career was not something she could or wanted to do.

Unfortunately, Kaji joined Shinji's defense of Misato by adding: "It's true. I worked for the same agency. We worked together since we graduated from college."

"Okay, that's enough of that," Misato said suddenly. "Why don't you tell her our ID numbers while you're revealing every other government secret you can think of!" she snapped at Kaji angrily. She turned to Shinji. "Thanks for trying to defend me from your _friend's_ ignorant contempt, Shinji, but I'm quite capable of handling a little girl like her – or ignoring her insults if that's what I wish to do." She stood up, annoyed with everyone at that table, including herself. "Now, if you'll excuse me… I'm gonna walk back to my car and go home and start dinner. I'll be there whenever you decide to show up, Shinji."

She turned and walked away as Kaji called to her and Shinji sat there, stunned. As she left the coffeehouse she heard Asuka say quite loudly: "you _live_ with her?" Misato smirked. But suddenly, someone was grabbing her arm. She spun around and found Shinji firmly holding her arm and smiling apologetically.

"I'll go home with you, okay?" He was holding his organic chemistry book in his free hand and affectively ignoring Asuka's voice calling to him and apologizing for her rudeness. Misato smiled at him, moved her arm so she could hold his hand, and nodded. Feeling immensely better, she walked down the sidewalk hand in hand with her lover.

And then she was awake again. The sun was pouring in through the small windows of her bare room, and the alarm clock read: 12:31 pm. She had been asleep for several hours. "Damn…" she whispered. Sitting up and throwing a sheet off her legs, she ran a hand through her dark, sweat-damp hair. "Not another one," she breathed. This was insane. What was going on? Why was she having dreams about Shinji? She couldn't possibly be attracted to him. Not like that. It wasn't possible. She was a twenty-nine year old woman, and he was a fourteen-year old boy. It was impossible.

Wasn't it?


	3. Dealing Or Not

**Author's Note:** Okay, brand spanking new chapter here! (What the hell does "brand _spanking_ new" mean anyway?) I'm not completely happy with this chapter. I'm afraid it might be too slow and quiet. But I can't decide. And I enjoyed trying to reason out some of Misato's character in this chapter. Granted, I didn't get very far in the attempt, but I enjoyed the attempt. The next chapter will be another dream chapter. And then after that I'm gonna start working with the NGE series timeline as I move into episode 17: The 4th Child. Oh yeah, I hadn't told you guys yet. I finally decided that this starts right after episode 16: Sickness Unto Death, And… A couple days after Shinji was stuck in his Eva and trapped inside the 2th Angel for sixteen hours.

Well, I'm working on something else at the same time as this, so it might be awhile before Chapter 4 comes out. Thanks for your patience in getting this one out. And I hope you enjoy this. As always, reviews are desperately desired and needed. Bye.

Oh yeah… I DON'T OWN NGE!

**The Way It Should Have Been**

Chapter Three: Dealing (Or Not)

She walked into the command center feeling worn and weary. Her dark eyes were dull and her long dark hair fell limp around her face. The black shirt beneath her red leather jacket was wrinkled and untucked. She shuffled listlessly as she walked, as if she had not the energy to pick up her feet. All three of the lieutenants she commanded watched her walk in silently, but she completely ignored the worried glances they sent her and eachother. Barely managing a polite nod to Fuyutsuki, she flopped into her chair and started flipping through the morning reports.

Scanning the results of the last few synchronization tests, she saw how poorly Shinji had been doing since the incident two days ago. Before the incident, he'd been doing better than Asuka. Now his numbers were dropping again. Obviously, he was still feeling off-center and uncertain. Maybe she should talk to him after he got in from school, she thought. Then she remembered who she'd been dreaming about yesterday, and changed her mind. Maybe she could ask Ritsu to talk to him for her. In the meantime, however, he needed more practice.

"Maya, when Shinji comes in after school, set him up for some simulation practice with Unit 01. And after a few rounds of practice, we'll do another synch test. Alright?"

"Yes ma'am," Maya nodded. Fuyutsuki looked up from his own reports to give Misato a curious look, but didn't say anything. After a moment of peering at her, he shrugged and went back to reading the papers in his hand.

Misato asked, practically begged, Makoto to fetch her a very large cup of coffee as she looked down at the status reports for the morning systems check of the Magi. Makoto nodded without saying a word, and left the command center do as she'd asked. When the words of the page started to blur, Misato shook her head to clear it, not that that ever really helped much. She hadn't slept much, and what little sleep she'd had wasn't restful at all. The fear of falling asleep and being plagued by yet another dream about Shinji had frightened her so badly, that she finally had to drink herself into a mindless stupor in order to sleep at all. And then she'd awoken several times in order to crawl to the bathroom and throw up. Even now, she had a splitting headache.

Makoto returned a moment later with a very large cup of steaming black coffee. "Thank you," she muttered to the lieutenant, "you're a god." And she closed her eyes to savor the strong, bitter, wide-awake taste of the coffee, so she did not see Makoto's small blush. But when she opened her eyes again, she saw that Makoto had not returned to his station, and he was watching her quietly. She gave him a look, and this time she did see the pale blush that spread across his face.

"Sorry," he said softly. "I was just wondering if there was something wrong. You seem upset about something. I thought maybe I could help."

Misato blinked at him. Was she that transparent? Well, apparently. With a sigh, and a small smile that did not reach her eyes, she told him: "It's nothing. I'm fine. Really. But thanks for worrying." The man looked as if he wanted to say something more, but finally he nodded, turned smartly on his heel, and returned to his post.

Quiet filled the command center, and for a moment Misato thought she might actually get some peace for a little while. And then Ritsuko walked in. "Misato!" she called out, her voice tinged with just the slightest touch of urgency.

"What?" Misato asked, trying not to wince at Ritsuko's sharp call.

"The UN Committee tells me you still won't let them question Shinji about the incident with the 12th angel. Why not? You know they need to assess the damage. Make sure the angel didn't try to brainwash him or anything while he was out of contact for those sixteen hours."

Misato sighed. She was not up to fighting with Ritsuko about this. "Ritsu…" she began quietly, hoping to appease the woman. But one look at Ritsu's implacable face told her that would not work. Seemed, she'd have to fight whether she was up to it or not. "I said no," Misato said firmly. "Have you seen his synch rates since the incident? They're abysmally low. He's obviously still feeling uncertain, scared. His mind his fragile, and he had one hell of an ordeal being stuck in his Eva for so long. He's not ready. You know as well as I do how harsh and cruel those people can be. They don't care about consequences, or the people they deal with, as long as they get results. They'd rip him apart."

"Misato…" Ritsuko started.

"No."

Ritsuko sighed and stuffed her hands in the pockets of her large, white lab coat. "You know, they're starting to doubt your objectivity and clear-headedness. You shouldn't give them any more reason to doubt you."

Misato rubbed her temples with the tips of her fingers, and fought a sudden wave of weariness. But said with firm resolve: "I don't care." Ritsu made a small choking noise low in her throat. Misato opened her eyes and peered at her friend. The woman looked anxious and irritated, and it was obvious she was trying to think of a way to convince Misato to change her mind. There was more to this than wanting to know if the Angel had contacted Shinji. "What are you hiding from me?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko blinked in shock. "What? Nothing. Why would you think I'm hiding anything? Don't turn into a paranoid conspiracy theorist like Kaji. Okay? It's not healthy." With that Ritsuko, turned around and walked out.

Misato did not see Ritsu again until late in the afternoon, when Shinji, Rei, and Asuka had arrived from school. Shinji was going through simulations, Rei was doing more synch tests, and Asuka was busy trying (and failing, Misato might add) to flirt with Kaji. Ritsuko walked up behind Misato as the dark-haired woman ran through some more system checks on the Magi. This had become a thrice-daily ritual since the incident with the 9th angel.

"I see you have Shinji working more than the others," Ritsuko said without making her presence known first. Misato jumped and whirled around to face the blonde.

"Yeah," she said finally. "I'm hoping some simulations will get the fear out of his system so his synch rate will be better. Like it was before the 12th angel."

Ritsu nodded. "Ah yes, the 12th angel… The child really was being very foolish when he tried to take the thing on by himself."

"He's not a child," Misato whispered, before she even knew what she was saying.

Ritsuko peered at her, confused. "Of course he's a child. He's certainly not a man."

Misato glared at Ritsuko angrily, though she didn't even know where the anger had come from. "Could a child do any of things he's done?" Misato asked pointedly. "Could a child fight for the lives of all these people, every day, despite all his fear and pain, like Shinji does? Could a child feel so much fear and yet keep coming back to do what he knows he must? Could a child pilot that damn monster every day and not go insane?"

Ritsuko stared at her and Misato sighed.

"None of them are children, Ritsu. But Shinji's even less a child than the girls. Asuka's too childishly arrogant and competitive to be logical or rational or intelligence. She should fear the angels a lot more than she does. And Rei doesn't seem to even understand fear, or any emotion. For her it is not a matter of duty or courage, it is a matter of complete passivity. But Shinji… He is terrified. Any man would be when faced with monsters out of nightmare, and death, and the fact that the fate of the world rests on his shoulders. Courage isn't the absence of fear, it is doing what you must even despite your terror. He is scared every day, but he does what he must anyway. If that doesn't make him a man, than I don't know what else possibly could."

Ritsuko stared at her with wide eyes as the Major fell silent. Misato had no idea where that had come from. The rant had come out of nowhere, but now that she had said it, and thought about it, she knew she was right. Facing death every day made Shinji more of a man than most men she knew. Becausem despite all his shy stuttering and passive apologies and fear in battle, he had more maturity than almost anyone else she knew.

"Misato… Are you alright?" Ritsuko asked, obviously deciding to chalk Misato's outburst to sickness or something.

"Yeah. Just tired or something. Sorry…" she muttered.

Ritsuko peered at her sharply. "Is something bothering you? Did Kaji do something stupid?"

"Kaji?" Misato repeated dumbly.

"Yeah, Kaji, you know… Big, dumb, scruffy, shameless flirt…" Ritsu listed off with an amused smile.

Heh. Misato hadn't thought about Kaji in days. Thinking about him now… Yeah, she supposed her perpetual annoyance and unfathomable obsession with the man might have had something to do with her mood. But not much. After all, it hadn't been Kaji she was living with in her dreams. She shook her head.

"No, no. Kaji hasn't done anything. I haven't even seen him all day." Maya called to her suddenly, to tell her she had a phone call, and Misato said to Ritsu apologetically: "Sorry, gotta take this. I'll talk to you later. Alright?"

Ritsuko nodded and said, "See you later." And the blonde walked out.

Apparently, Misato should have knocked on wood when she said she hadn't seen Kaji all day; apparently God or Fate or whatever was listening to her with a sadistic smile. She ran into Kaji at the soda machines not even ten minutes after Ritsuko had left. He was sliding a couple coins into the soda machine as she walked in and she was about to simply turn around and walk away before he noticed her presence. But Kaji looked up right at that moment and called to her. Though she was very hard-pressed to make herself care, she knew it would be rude of her to simply walk out now. So she turned back around and gave him a small smile.

"Good afternoon, Kaji," she said.

"How are you this fine day, Misato?" Kaji asked as he received his soda and opened it with a quiet pop. He walked toward her and she took his place in front of the soda machine.

"Just fine. And you?"

"Wonderful."

He peered at her and his brows furrowed for a moment. "You alright?" he asked.

She glared at him. Everyone kept asking her that today. "I'm fine," she said shortly.

He nodded with a smile and leaned toward her, putting an arm on her shoulder companionably. When she tried to shrug him off, he simply wrapped his arm around her arm and smiled brightly. "So," he said cheerfully, "I found this great little bar in the city. I think we should check it out tonight. What d'ya say?"

Misato glanced at him. The offer was strangely tempting. She was sick of drinking alone. However, she knew all too well that Kaji was not the type to be trusted, and she definitely shouldn't let herself get too friendly with him again. Then again, there were times late at night when she really missed him. But on the other hand, getting drunk and kissing him _once_ was more than enough. The last thing she needed to do was get into another tangled, unhealthy relationship with him again. All these thoughts raced through her brain in quick succession, until finally, she forced herself to decline.

"No, I don't think so, Kaji," she said, then she added: "but thanks anyway. Maybe some other time," to soften the sharp tone she started with.

Kaji leaned into her more and slid his hand in a slow caress up her arm, gave her a charming smile, and whispered: "You sure… We could have a few laughs, just like old times." He pressed the button on the soda machine for her, and they both listened to the can fall into the tray, but neither moved to pick it up. Kaji's face came closer and closer to Misato's, and she felt her heart racing in her chest. What the hell…? her brain whispered. She could never understand why she still reacted to him so much, after all this time.

"Kaji…" she whispered, though she had no idea what she would say next.

Then all words left her when Kaji very, very gently brushed his lips against hers. She gasped and every nerve in her body went into overload. She felt her arms slowly rise to circle around his neck, but at the last moment she managed to stop herself. Taking a deep breath, she braced both her hands against his chest and pushed him away, though she tried not to be rough about it.

"Kaji…" she whispered again. "I don't want the old times." And it was only _half_ a lie, instead of a whole one. He stared at her, and she could tell that he was trying and failing to find something to say. Silently, she leaned down and snatched her can of soda from the machine. Then she walked away without looking back at him. She was afraid that if she glanced back, she'd find herself changing her mind quicker than she could blink. The impulse was impossible to fight, to try was to lose, so she simply denied it battle.

"Misato?" Asuka called as she poked Misato's arm for the third time. Misato was staring at the can of beer in her hand and hadn't moved in about fifteen minutes. She hadn't even bothered to eat her dinner, which was very unusual. Finally, Misato looked up at Asuka's prodding. "You alright?" the red-head asked.

Misato scowled. She was starting to get sick of that question. All day everyone at work had been asking her the same thing. "I'm fine," she said in a voice that was just on the edges of polite. Asuka shrugged and went to her room.

Shinji, who had been flipping channels on the television, looked up at the exchange and gave Misato a puzzled look. Misato glanced at him, felt herself beginning to flush, and quickly looked away. But she knew she wasn't acting like herself, and she needed to remedy that. She flashed Shinji a bright smile, gulped down her beer, and slammed the empty can on to the table. With a loud "oh yeah!" she smiled again at Shinji and offered him a beer.

As usual, he refused. But it was a routine for her to offer him one by now. For a moment, she thought she had averted any questions, but apparently, there was still something in her expression that screamed: "I'm fucked up!" because Shinji once again gave her a worried look.

"Are you really alright, Misato?" he asked. Misato blinked at him. A few months ago he would never have been perceptive enough to tell something was wrong, and even if he had he'd never have had the guts to mention it.

"Of course. I'm fine. Wonderful. Marvellous. Perfect. Couldn't be better!" She burst into hardy laughter, but it sounded strange and unfamiliar in her ears, and she was certain Shinji knew she was faking.

He peered at her and cocked his head to the side, a little like a confused puppy. It was really very cute…

I so did not just think that! Misato's brain screamed furiously.

Before her subconscious had a chance to argue, Shinji said, "Misato… if there's something bothering you, you can talk to me, you know. I always end up dumping my problems on you. I'd be more than willing to listen to you if you need to talk." Again Misato blinked at him. Was this seriously Shinji?

Embarrassed for several reasons, she started to turn a little red around her ears and neck, she could feel the heat in her face that warned of a full-blown blush. "I'm fine," she snapped, trying to avoid further interrogation.

"You're sure?"

"Damn it! How many times must people ask me that today? Yes! I'm fine! Yes! I'm sure! Leave me the fuck alone!" She had no idea where the outburst had come from. Anger and frustration and embarrassment and exhaustion had just simmered and melted into a one strange all-encompassing emotion, which had then bubbled up and exploded in Shinji's face.

As Misato struggled to calm her breathing and unclench her fists, Shinji gaped at her, stunned and hurt. "I'm sorry," he whispered in a voice that was almost a whimper. "I'm sorry," he said again. His trademark response to anything and everything. "I didn't mean to make you angry," he mumbled.

Suddenly, his constant apologies really irritated her. Sounding amazingly like Asuka, Misato burst into another fit of shouting. "And stop apologizing all the damn time! Who said it was your fault I'm angry? Who said you had anything to do with my bad mood? You've got nothing to do with it!"

And of course, Shinji's only possible response was: "I'm sorry."

"God!" Misato screamed, throwing her hands in the air in a fit of frustration and anger. She'd had enough of this. She couldn't face Shinji. For some strange reason, he was just pissing her off tonight. With a final grunt of annoyance, she stalked off to her bedroom and slammed the door. Throwing herself onto her bed, she closed her eyes and tried not to think about anything. She could hear Asuka emerge from her room and ask Shinji what the hell had happened.

"Nothing. She's just in a bad mood, I think," Shinji said quietly.

"I wonder what set her off," Asuka mused.

Misato could picture Shinji's narrow shoulders lift in a little shrug as he said: "I don't know. Maybe Kaji did something to piss her off."

Misato scowled and opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling. Why did everyone think that her world revolved around Kaji? She had a wide range of emotions that did not stem from her relationship with Kaji – granted she didn't show most of them most of the time, but people should still realize that.

Sighing, she turned on her side. What the hell was wrong with her anyway? Nothing made any sense anymore. Ritsuko was hiding something from her. She was practically challenging Nerv's authority by denying them access to Shinji. Her feelings for Kaji were a jumbled mess of desire, fury, and irritation. And she was having dreams about Shinji. What the fuck was going on? Why was this happening to her? Groaning angrily and squirming on her bed, Misato muttered: "Why is this happening to me?"

And then she froze. It all started two days ago, when Shinji had nearly died trapped within the twelfth angel. For sixteen hours she had been tortured by not knowing whether he was alive or not. Knowing that Ritsuko was willing to let him die. Knowing there wasn't a damn thing she could do. Knowing that she would be completely devastated if he died in that Eva. And when he emerged traumatized but alive and whole, she could do nothing but cry and thank every god that existed that he was there in her arms. She should have been furious; she should have reprimanded him; she was too thankful he was alive to be angry.

It was all Shinji's fault. He was there. Being so sweet and scared and vulnerable and passive and eager to please and desperate for love. So like she was when her father died. And for some reason the sympathy she felt for him, the care and worry she reserved for him, had transformed into that crazy, ridiculous, impossible dream. It was all his fault. No one could blame her for these dreams. No one could call her pathetic or a pervert or a cradle-robber because she didn't choose this. He was making her have these dreams. It was all Shinji's fault.

Her eyes drifted close and she let out a long soft breath. Well, that was one way of dealing with it, said her more rational (and rather sarcastic) inner voice, blame anyone but yourself. But she couldn't think about that right now. And as she stumbled clumsily into sleep, her last coherent thought was: damn, I need a drink.


End file.
